RE: FRIENDS

To Reader.... re the last message: this was a trick e-mail. He never e-mailed me before and I never responded. He was trying to get a response from me, but he won't get one. I'm smarter than that. Hee hee.

DAMIEN TO JACK

Forgive the intrusion from a stranger, but I couldn't resist. You seem great. You're funny, smart, and attractive. What's the catch? You seem comfortable in your own skin, and few things are as enticing as confidence.

There's only so much one can learn about a person by reading their profile, so I'd like to get in touch with you to learn more about you. How has 2010 been treating you? Can you believe that it's already October? Do you have any Halloween costume ideas yet?

2810 has been a great year for me so far. I've been to Europe twice, my small business feels more like a business than a job, and I have a new puppy. I don't have any costume ideas yet. I'm not very good at Halloween.

As for me, I am an LA native, I live at the beach, and I run a small business. I love my life and my job. I adore my dogs Destro and Arrow. I like early classes a t the gy m, but my night owl tendencies conflict with my early bird alarm clock. I also love to travel and am a serious shutterbug - I've got tons of photos of my puppies, my travels, and my friends and family on my homepage and facebook if you're interested in seeing more. ( pics.rdamienclark.com or facebook.com/rdamienc )

Let me know what you think about getting in touch. You seem awesome and I'd love to meet you.

Damien

RE: DAMIEN TO JACK

Dear Damien.

While 2010 has been good for me, I find it fascinating that you live in the year 2810. Tell me all about the future? What’s it like 800 years from now? Do humans still exist or did we all die off because of global warming and you’re the sole survivor…. And it’s, well, good that your business feels like a business as, well, I don’t know what else it would feel like. Perhaps a romp through Six Flags?

So I looked at your match profile. I found it strange that you had one picture of yourself and the rest were pictures of other people. Friends perhaps? Showing off your “LA Native” acquaintances? Truly bizarre. And since you wrote nothing about yourself in your profile, I did what you suggested and went to your facebook page. Oh no no no.

First of all, you have 1700 friends. People who are “friend collectors” are desperate in my book. They are show offs. They need attention. And quite frankly they don’t measure up in the friend department as everyone is an acquaintance and no one is a friend.

Second, we have two friends in common, both of whom I HAD to add and both of whom I can’t stand. I’d like to unfriend them but they’re the type of people who would notice. Perhaps you “collected” them, but they are yours nonetheless and I can only judge you by what we have in common and if it’s those two people, yuck.

Third, your profile is public. Who has a public profile? And why would you want the world to know your business? That’s creepy.

Fourth, you have written 42 notes. While 13 of them are simply recipes for cocktails (including the Japanese Slipper, the Bronx, and the Bacon Cocktail), one of the notes particularly disturbs me. It is entitled “How to Reach Me, a Manual” and reads:

The best ways to reach me, in order of reliability and expedience:

1) Cell
2) Email
3) Text Message
4) Instant Message
5) Social Networking Message

I think most people can figure that sort of thing out. Perhaps you’re giving your 1700 friends too little credit?

Fifth, you have a link to “Somebody’s Getting Married – The Muppets Take Manhattan.” Need I say more?

So all in, I don’t think I’d like to get in touch with you. I don’t think there’s a meeting in our future.

Best Regards.

LOOKING FOR BFF

I would like to introduce myself to you and hope you are interested in a truly good man that has the most respectful intentions of finding a good friend and possible BFF, as well as woman to share the good things in life with.

I hope to hear from you and see if we have the same things in mind.

Sincerely

Gregory

PLEASE TRAVEL WITH ME

How are you?  I was wondering if you would like to take a trip with me to Pebble Beach in November.

Gregory

RE: PLEASE TRAVEL WITH ME

hi gregory.  so you sent me two messages.  i thought maybe if i didn't respond to the first one that maybe you would get the hint that i wasn't interested.  but alas, it didn't work.  you felt compelled to write to me again.  and you upped the ante no less.  you invited me on a trip with you to pebble beach!  now why on earth would i want to go on a trip with you, a complete stranger, somewhere i would be completely stranded, without help or any way to escape from you, alone in your hotel room where you could do god knows what... no, i don't want to go to pebble beach with you in november.  nor do i want to be your "bff."  i encourage you to look for a more, shall we say "adventurous, model / escort" type girl to accompany you on your trip.

kisses.

PRETTY PRETTY GIRL

Sooooo pretty      wish you were mine.

RE: PRETTY PRETTY GIRL

since you were so verbose with me, i'll try to do the same in return...  lemme just try to break some things down for ya', starting with your profile:

"I'm Catholic and give thanks to the one God who has Showered me with his Mercy and shared His Blessings that i may live a simple yet Happy life ..  Honestly speaking I don't know if i deserve to be with another woman ..I have Been bad in relationships and as a result ended up in breaking too many Ladies heart ..  But what I'm looking for ... I don't mind spending the rest of what remaining years i have on Planet Earth with someone who would love me more than herself .. Knows how to manage our finances .. listens more and talks less .. and if she owns her own Liquor Store that's a Plus !! I dont get to go around too much as am asleep most of my free time ... and I never got to finish reading a book .. Ever !"

so you're catholic?  enough said.  you have been in bad relationships where you've broken many hearts, and as such may not deserve to be with another woman?  why would i ever, in a million years, have any interest in dating a guy who is a self-professed ass?

that aside, i'd like to discuss what you're looking for:  someone who loves you more than herself?  ummm... can i say selfish? you have to be able to love yourself before you can love someone else, stupido.  and you want her to manage your finances?  what is she, your secretary?  and she needs to listen more than talk?  i take it you like the sound of your own voice...  and owning a liquor store.  well, that just points to a love of alcohol that is probably unmanageable, borderline alcoholic.  

and about you, you sleep in your spare time, so basically you have no time to commit to a relationship and you've never read a book.  you really sound like a winner: you're a catholic man who ruins relationships, is selfish in his needs, might be an alcoholic, sleeps constantly, and can't read.  will you marry me?  not.

i am soooooo pretty, aren't i?  well keep wishing.  ain't gonna happen in this lifetime.  maybe god will bless you in the next.

PLEASE WRITE BACK

I like your profile and enthusiasm. Since I am new to the online dating experience, it is intriguing and pleasant to find someone like you on line :-)

Let me start with something about me - I am very easy going person with strong family values and life balance between work and pleasure/fun. Since I work in the office, I love spending time outdoors and doing about anything outside sounds good to me – to me it is always a question with whom not where – in short, I am looking for a good company, friend, or soul mate.

I would like to learn more about you – where do you work? how do you spend your weekends and evenings?, what are your hobbies?

If you are interested please write back :-)

Richard

RE: PLEASE WRITE BACK

you would hate me. i smoke, never exercise, despise the outdoors, can't stand cats, subsist on fast food and watch a ton of tv. and i'm not lying. total truth. oh, and i don't drive which is why i said i was looking for someone within a 5 mile radius (which technically you probably are) but 5 miles is the least they would let me put and really i'm looking for someone who lives between mulholland and wilshire, la cienega and i guess i'd go as far as highland (though i'd prefer to say la brea). really, i can't stand driving and haven't been past beverly hills in god knows how long. i'd look elsewhere if i were you.

good luck.

HI THERE

Hi there. Your profile is quite interesting, and we share a mutual love for traveling and various games. (Brickbreaker is also one of my guilty pleasures.)

You certainly don't seem interested in one liners or typical LA "fakery" - that's not my style at all.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not a stalker. I found this article about you very interesting: http://www.blue----.com/2----/08/----

It sounds like you provide a great service, and more importantly have fun doing so! I thoroughly believe in loving what you do.

Happy Hunting,
Roger

PS: I'm sure you're proud of your business, but a simple search rendered your name, business number, and email. Some people around here can be "creepy", so this is just some friendly advice. Here's what I'm talking about:

J---- H-----
J---- B----
141 S---- K----- R----
Los Angeles, CA 9-----
US
Phone: 323--------

Your secret's safe with me! ;)

RE: HI THERE

Oh so glad that my secret’s safe with you, and the 30 million other readers of articles in which I’m mentioned in magazines that are mass dropped at any of the random hotels, business lobbies, hair salons, restaurants etc. How can I be private if I'm a public figure? Anyone who reads one of those articles is going to know how to track me as far as you did. To my place of business. Whatever. It’s not like you found any private information. Like my cell, home address, e-mail even. But I'm oh so proud of you for figuring out what you did, genius. And for your worries about my protection. And for telling me my own address as if I didn't know it.

I would've just told you Pasadena is too much of a commute for me to be interested in you, instead I'll tell you to fuck off.

Kisses.

(oh yeah, I forgot, you got my name wrong, oops)

HEY STRANGER

Just logged onto the site again after burying head in the new business and there you are! I was actually in California the other week and think I left you a message .

We Brits are a bit old fashioned and conscious re- manners , so I'm so sorry we have'nt met up for that dinner . I love travelling and love meeting new people , but the new business has been flourishing - we start exporting to the US next year , and I've been selling the house in Scotland ready for the great California move - can't wait ! I'm about two weeks every month in the US in the meantime .

Hows you? My pal Amanda Wakeley is up to her eyeballs in work so recession can't be hurting fashion too much ! Jet lagged and laid up with tendon injury at the moment , so I can't run and housebound for a week ......aaargh I should be locked up - whoever watches day time TV should'nt get the vote ! Still computer backgammon - yay British Airways have backgammon on the in flight system ! You're the only person I knw who'd love to play Gin Rummy on an aeroplane !

You can tell I'm bored and house-bound , so hope the epistle does'nt prompt you to stack furniture against the door and head for the distant horizon ! Forgive for not having taken you out for that dinner yet - I'm a man of my word and I look forward to it ....just been so much on , so I apologise , but much more frree time now .
Hope all well and do tell all your news Gorgeous ,
Con angelitos et tu lado,
Ken x

RE: HEY STRANGER

YOU ARE A CRAZY LUNATIC! YOU THINK YOU LEFT ME A MESSAGE LAST WEEK??? YOU LEFT ME FOUR OF THEM! WHO ARE YOU THAT AFTER A YEAR AND A HALF OF NO RETURN PHONE CALLS, WAIT, BETTER YET, ME NEVER ANSWERING YOUR CALLS BECAUSE I SEE IT'S YOU ON CALLER ID, THAT YOU DON'T GET THE MESSAGE? GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!! THERE, DO YOU GET IT? IT SHOULD BE LOUD AND CLEAR........

LET'S MAKE A GREAT TEAM

Hi,
I enjoyed reading your profile. I am originally from Istanbul, Turkey. I am in Boston, MA for a construction project now. I am an easygoing, caring, and a friendly person. I believe everything can be fun as long as you are with the right person. I am looking for someone who can company me to business diners, invitations, fundraisers, and all types of social events. Due to my job, I frequently travel to overseas europe, japan, and dubai. If you enjoy travelling we can make a great team together.
Bottom line is I am looking for someone who can take care of me and I will take care of her.
If you are interested please drop me a line.
Thanks,
Emir

RE: LET'S MAKE A GREAT TEAM

why do you keep writing me pretending like it's the first time you've written? it's so so old. this is the last time i'm going to respond. very simple. you live in frickin' masachusetts dummy. that's across the country from me. while i would love to go to dubai, i'm not going to start a cross-country relationship with you just so i can get there. move on and stalk someone in your own neighborhood.

HI FROM RICH

Hi

I enjoyed your profile and you seem like someone that I would like to meet.

I invite you to review my profile; and if there is an interest, drop me a line

I'm located in Newport Beach and spend some time in the Desert as well as San
Francisco. Where are you situated ?


Best thoughts XO

RE: HI FROM RICH

rich.  i did what you invited me to do.  you freak me out.  you're 65.  and you teach the concepts of the book "the secret."  i gotta go with dave chappelle on this one:

This girl I knew sent me a book. Called the “Secret”. She was like, listen David, this is gonna help you. It’s called the “Secret”, you know. I started reading the book and I read like 5 pages and shit and threw it in the trash. I was fuckin – I can’t believe they sell this shit. Do you know this bitch says the secret of life is? She said it was positive imagery! You gotta visualize things you wanna have, happening in your life, bitch that’s the secret of life to you.  Its’ gotta mean more than that! Positive imagery, bitch fly to Africa and tell one of them starving children that shit. What’s wrong with you children? You have not eaten in 5 days. What you need to do is visualize some roast beef, mash potatoes with some gravy. Oh, please bitch, your killing me, stop talking about that! No, no, no! The problem is that you have a bad attitude about starving to death.

i'm visualizing you reading this feeling like the pathetic fool that you are.  oh, look - it worked!

NICE PROFILE

Hi there....I like your profile and bet I can beat you in backgammon lol

I live in Toronto but spend quite a bit of time on the west coast for work, and am in fact here now. Whereabouts in Cali do you live?

Have a great day

David

RE: NICE PROFILE

hi david.  it's nice to meet you.  i read your profile and am mildly disturbed.  it might be the fact that you said you don't "need this site to meet women but think it might be interesting."  or it could just be the picture of you greased and tan with bulging muscles wearing your chippendale's outfit holding your hands at your crotch as if you're about to... well i'm not sure what you're about to do.  i think that's it.  well, for whatever it's worth, it doesn't really matter because you might come out here a lot for business, but you live in toronto.  that's a no no in my book.  i don't like toronto.  i got strep throat there once and had to go to the hospital and the doctor wore a clown's nose.  i felt he didn't take his job very seriously.  it left a bad taste in my mouth for the city.

on an up note, i hope the site holds your interest while you date all the women who throw themselves at you at the club.

best always.