HI GORGEOUS

Hi gorgeous.
How are up today?

RE: HI GORGEOUS

thank you so much for the compliment.  i'm always flattered when someone calls me gorgeous.  but it also makes me blush...  i'm not sure what to do with your question though.  "how are up today?"  do you want to know "what i'm up to today?" or "how i am today?" or is that your shorthand for asking both in one sentence?  i've never seen it used that way before, but i'm always open to new interpretations.  but when they come with such blatantly horrible grammar, i tend to cringe.

on the other hand, i get that you're from israel and english is your second language, so i'll give you a little break.  but not much.  well, not at all, considering the last thing you read was your credit card statement.  if you understand interest rates you have obviously mastered the english language.

now i found it interesting that your favorite place is florida.  and your favorite thing is "flavor flave." (just a note - he doesn't use an "e" at the end of flav.)  both begin with F's!  really it's flavor flav that intrigues me.  were you "surreal life" fan?  or were you more of a "flavor of love" guy?  were you sad that after 3 seasons he didn't find love, but instead on the reunion show announced he would be marrying kim?

while the above are odd, i would perhaps give you the time of day, but the fact that you're recently divorced (as in a month ago) and have two children who live with you, it all just feels a bit heavy.  i mean florida, flavor, and the very recent failure of your marriage - that's just too many F's for me.  i like the letter I.  as in "i love new york" and "i love money" - the spinoffs of flavor's shows.

ARE WE GETTING MARRIED?

???

?
?
?

RE: ARE WE GETTING MARRIED?

i have no idea why we would. that's not a cute question. it doesn't endear me to you or make me think you're clever. besides, there are so many deal breakers that are fairly clear from my profile i'd think you'd have enough sense to stay away.

1. you're 44.
2. you live over 40 miles away from me.
3. you don't want kids.
4. you don't like dogs.
5. i hate hiking. (specifically mentioned in my profile)

what, are you missing part of your brain?

RE: RE: ARE WE GETTING MARRIED?

I usually write that kind of an e-mail to the most shallow, pretentious and uneducated of women because you have trouble understanding big words...and I would really have nothing to talk to you about other than trying to seduce you - in the simplest of "fashions" - what you might consider is how frivolous your interests are and how self-righteous your response is - and how shallow your life truly has become (from what I can see - human incubator being my biggest concern) - and seriously consider doing more with your humanity than focusing on cotton products turned into ostentatious goods - or and most importantly - rethinking reproducing and spare the 5 billion people on this earth from another person who might be influenced by you or perhaps share your values

RE: RE: RE: ARE WE GETTING MARRIED?

p.s.

that was such a masterpiece do you mind if I share our communication with the fellas in the quartet I play in, as well as my friends in France and the US??

HUMAN INCUBATOR SHALLOW PRETENTIOUS AND UNEDUCATED

please respond I need more for the quartet

RE: HUMAN INCUBATOR SHALLOW PRETENTIOUS AND UNEDUCATED

i wouldn't worry about my response for information to share with the "quartet."  just keep logging on and i'm sure you'll find lots of discussion.

www.bestofmatchdotcom.com

RE: RE: HUMAN INCUBATOR SHALLOW PRETENTIOUS AND UNEDUCATED

And you're far too invested in this communication to have just had a passing interest.  I'm sorry but the average person who gets a response like the one I sent doesn't take the time to write an entire paragraph ripping apart a person he's just asked (whether on a whim or not) to marry him.  You wrote that to the most shallow, pretentious and uneducated of women?  Why would you write a woman like that at all?  I can't quite comprehend the fact that you enjoy communicating with pathetic people.  I only respond to pathetic people, I don't initiate contact - ie, you.  Now for how shallow my life has become (and i don't know where you get "human incubator"):

First, I'd be surprised if you've ever heard of, let alone read, any of my last reads. You keep up with the "Occupy Wall Street Blog."  Kudos.  You're current with what anyone who watches an hour of MSNBC a day knows.

Second, I mentioned that I am CONSTANTLY traveling; that I frequent Tokyo, London, China, even small towns like Marfa, TX.  And rather than rethinking reproducing because I might "influence" or "share my values," I am quite comfortable knowing that I am constantly exposed to new cultures, fashions, food, values, traditions, people, customs, etc.  As such I am constantly re-evaluating who I am and and who I want to be and how I can pass these values on to others in life.  And that includes why I think people like you who send pathetic e-mails and write terrible profiles deserve to know as much.

Third, you said because I'm passionate about fashion I'm frivolous, and I should consider doing more with my life than work with cotton.  Well I'd say you might want to try to get paid for your passion, ie playing in your little "quartet." That or move on with your life and get a new job.  You're a school teacher and you're 44.  I know how much teachers get paid and your pension isn't going to leave you in a great place come retirement.  At least my passion was my business.  And it paid well.  I said that one of my biggest passions was discovering "new designers" not "working with cotton" and that "continuing to work with them to grow their brands" was an added bonus.  Huh.  That sounds like a business model to me.  And it was quite a profitable one, which allowed me to be part of a number of charitable organizations.  Imagine that!

Fourth, I have a book deal.  Do you really think a publisher is going to pay me to write a book if I have trouble understanding all those big words?

Truth is, you're the one who's 44, lives in New Jersey, is a high school teacher and coaches tennis on the side, plays in a little "quartet" for fun, and loves Burt's Bees, shakes, pull-in parking spots, Listerine, pita pizza, canned corn, candies loaded with corn syrup, crunchy peanut butter, and Tracy Morgan. 

I'm the one who's 35, spent 18 years in Los Angeles as a fashion consultant to The Government of Japan, to the Intelligence Group, as a Celebrity Stylist, and as the owner of my own appointment-only, high-end Boutique.  I'm the one with a book deal.  I'm the one who is shopping a TV show.  I'm the one with a popular blog that you played right into.  And I'm the one who was in the top tier of one of LA's largest charities, holding events in collaboration with them and doing what I could to contribute as I believe in being a humanitarian. 

I'm not seeing an even playing field.  But if you insist on continuing this volley because you feel inferior and that you have to prove yourself to a complete stranger in order to make it seem you have the upper hand, I promise, I won't write back.  You can hurl all the insults you want and I will take them without feeling the need to fight back. Why?  Because I don't care about you.  I don't care what you think.  I don't care who you are.  I don't care what happens with the rest of your life.  You are just good material for my blog.  End of story.

Now write away.

RE: RE: RE: HUMAN INCUBATOR SHALLOW PRETENTIOUS AND UNEDUCATED

you give yourself way too much credit to think I would actually read anything you wrote incubator girl

; )

so that means - I am not looking below this text box to read your inane banter - incubator girl

; )

can you say prozac or latent homosexual? peace out yo'

WOW... THAT SUCKS...

It must be really disheartening, hearing all of the disingenuous compliments, cheesy pick up lines, lame emails, and the completely lacking dishonesty... Especially for someone who is so empathetic to the world around you. How do you share a life filled with such color, when all around you can only see shades of grey? How do you share yourself, when they can only scratch the surface of who you are? When they can only see.... But a few of the endless layers that are you. I'm sure it's as if all are blind, and can not see. It's a lonely place to be... Not being able to share the wondrousness that is surely you. The only shame, is there is but one lifetime to share what will take an eternity to see.

RE: WOW... THAT SUCKS...

it does suck.  it's completely disheartening.  i am sad every single day.

i don't see shades of grey.  i see it painted black.  i look inside myself and my heart is black. maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts. it's not easy facing up when your whole world is black.

lucky you with your beautiful rainbow.  i'm sure girls are fighting for your attention what with your amazing top ten list?

Top ten things I could not live without:
1. Great sex... If YOU can... That must really suck :-p
2. My IPhone... It just makes me look a lot smarter than I really am :-)
3. Aunt charlotte's chocolates... Mmmmm good
4. Uncontrolled, contagious laughter.
5. Anything that makes me laugh like 4. ;-)
6. Luna Di Luna Merlot/Cabernet it's good for any occasion.
7. A really nice crystal glass for my Luna.
8. Marshmallow fights... ;-)
9. Poker night with the guys.
10. My passport.

number one should really read if YOU can, as in YOU.  sorry hun.  you're not that good looking.  stick to poker night.  and insulting pretty girls.

MY NAME IS RAMESH

Hi
My Name is Ramesh, I am a Sr Executive in a Technology company. I am
well respected and well to do. My Wife for 18 years passed away after
giving birth to a baby girl.. Baby is 13 Months old now and in India. I
also have son who is in 9th grade and will be off to college in couple
of years.

I am a highly educated, kind, Generous and Good human being. I am very
interested in talking to you.

Ramesh

RE: MY NAME IS RAMESH

hi ramesh.  it's pleasant to meet you.  i'm really glad that you're a sr executive in your job, well respected and well to do because it seems as if you may have a difficult life.

i have to admit, your profile was a little difficult for me to grasp.  to start you have no picture.  what am i supposed to do with that?  no picture.  that's totally lame.  beyond your lack of picture, all i could pick up is that you're 46, 5"7", from india, a hindi, live in silicon valley (no city specified) and a you're a widower.  you don't give your hair color, eye color, exercise habits, interests, body type, sign, or pets you have or like.  and you're looking for a significantly younger girl (35 - 39), who doesn't have or want kids, never smokes and never drinks.  oh, and she can't be black.

now if i am to understand this correctly, your wife died during childbirth.  and your baby is 13 months old.  your wife of 18 years?  and you are already looking for a replacement?

and then there's the odd fact that your baby lives in india and you live in silicon valley.  let's just say we were going to meet, i live in los angeles.  i'm not sure how this would work.  did you envision me commuting to silicon valley to meet and date you, and then commuting to india to be a stepmother to your baby?  however you were thinking it might work, you should have read my profile more closely.  i don't date outside of a 5 mile radius of west hollywood.

while you have a 13 month old baby, you also have a 9th grader who you say will be off to college soon.  i don't consider 4 years soon.  and i find it odd that you waited 12 years before having your second child.  i don't know, it just has a sort of a strange ring to it.

ramesh, i think that getting involved with you would be an emotional disaster.

you really think that a 35 year old woman (ie, me) is going to forgo having her own children (ie, mine) in order to split time between silicon valley and india (ie, when i don't commute) in order to take care of your infant and 14 year old (ie, the strangest age range) when you're only 14 months widowed (ie, too short a time) from a woman you were married to for 18 years (ie, probably still emotionally involved)?

i don't think you need to be on this site, i think you need to be on therapy.com.

but good luck.  i know some romanian women who might be interested.

BOND... JAMES BOND

Hi nice profile, your looking hot... what do you like to do for fun during the week?

RE: BOND... JAMES BOND

let me quote my profile:

"I am NOT looking for a long distance relationship. I live in West Hollywood and don't want to take the 405, the 10 or the 101 anywhere for a relationship. I'm not a driver."

you live in long beach.  can you read?

and i'm looking hot?  you really know how to woo a girl.  you're a lawyer with a grad degree.  are you really reduced to such language?

and why do you want to know what i like to do "during" the week?  i mean, doesn't everyone work during the week?  during the week i like to come home from work, eat dinner, maybe watch some television and go to bed.  i just find that so strange.  why wouldn't you ask me what i like to do on the weekends when in theory i wouldn't have to work and would have time to do something interesting?

well bond... james bond, here you go:  during the week i "like" it if i can make it home by 8pm.  i "like" it if i can get to bed by midnight.  on monday i "like" it if i can eat dinner while watching "the bachelor."  on tuesday i "like" it if i can eat dinner while watching "the biggest loser."  on wednesday i "like" it if i can eat dinner while watching "american idol."  same on thursday.  and well that takes us to the weekend which doesn't interest you.

so there you go.  my action packed weeks.  i hope they bore you enough to go away.  you live in long beach and told me i was "looking hot."  i want no part of that meal deal.

HELLO :)

You sound extremely interesting! ;) And
your beautiful...would love to chat
sometime. How was your day?

RE: HELLO :)

i'm so sorry, but i'm fickle.  i'm bothered by people who don't take the time to write properly, or proof read what they've written.  by using "your" when you were supposed to use "you're", it indicated to me that you either got an f in high school grammar or didn't care enough to write me a proper message.  i'm not impressed.

besides, you're looking for a woman who knows how to treat a man.  i didn't take that course in college.  i just know how to build a lasting relationship.

IMPOSSIBLE.....

My God....You're Audry Hepburn's incarnate.
You're simply......"Perfection" in image. Consider yourself bowed to and hand gently kissed with humility and adoration.
Respectfully,
Merrick

RE: IMPOSSIBLE.....

merrick.  i'd rather you not bow to me.  i know you say that it's with humility, but i find it a bit humiliating.  and perfection is a lot to live up to. i don't think i can bear that label.  it's too heavy a burden.

now 41 is a bit older than i'd like, and divorced is a bit of baggage i'd prefer not carry, but it's actually other things that make me think our puzzle might not get finished.  so i'm just going to take your profile and give you some tips:

first, quoting corinthians could turn some women away.  me for example.  if i need to go to "1st corinthians 13:1 - 13" in order to as you say, "know me and what i hope for," well, not only do i not have a bible to refer to, i don't really buy into the whole bible thing.  but even if i had one, i'd rather you just tell me about you and what you hope for instead of having to research it.

second, grammar is very important in making a good impression.  your disastrous annihilation of the english language really let me down.  for example, your first paragraph is full of punctuation errors: 

To know me and know who I hope for.....(improper use of ellipses)Go to 1st Corinthians 13:1 - 13 (consider using quotation marks when quoting something)Yeah I will give all that I am....(improper use of ellipses)My wealth(consider using spaces between all of these words)devotion,patience,understanding,unconditional love,lust for you(consider using a space here)and no other,(improper use of comma)....(improper use of ellipses)everything.....(improper use of ellipses)to "The One" who understands and believes in us(review this whole sentence for punctuation, it is quite a run-on sentence).

this paragraph really caught my attention, but not in a good way.  sadly it said to me, at the age of 41, he hasn't learned when you can bend the principles of grammar and when you can't. but then i find out it's not 41, but 45!

the final straw that broke the camel's back was this statement: "I'm actually 45, not 41. Silly site won't let me correct it on my profile."

ummmm... (proper use of ellipses) it's actually quite easy to change your age on this site.  you just put in your proper birthday.  go to profile, go to "about me" and it's right there, date of birth.  put it the right one with the right year and bam!  your age is changed.

if you are so easily stumped, well, stick to faith.  it'll take you a lot farther.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND

Hi I'm Andrew,

How was your weekend?

Anything exciting planned for the Superbowl?

RE: HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND

oh andrew...  andrew, andrew, andrew.  my weekend was great.  i hope yours was too.  sorry i'm so late in getting back to you.  since my eagles aren't playing, i'm not so pumped about the superbowl.  but i'm sure it'll be fab.

so.  andrew.  this is a joke, right?  i mean you're setting me up.  you didn't really think we'd go out did you?  you were expecting this response, that's why you wrote about the superbowl isn't it?

ok, my favorite thing to do is check-in to a hotel on a random weekend to escape my house and indulge in room service and watch pay-per-view.  it's pretty much that or luxuriate in a fabulous suite at a five star hotel in some chic city around the world.  that would be my perfect vacation.  your perfect vacation is "the family cabin northwest of yosemite. electricity is from a generator and water from a stream with over 50 acres of pristine wilderness, the privacy and seclusion heightens the appreciation for the spectacular nature surrounding the cabin."  

50 acres from electricity or running water?  that's a long ass haul.  dude.  where do you take a shit?  cuz i don't do that little hut covering a hole in the ground.

andrew, i think we're cut from a different cloth.  mine might be toille and yours might be brown jersey.  and while mine got cut into a corseted gown, yours was unfortunately cut into a pair of clingy elvis pants.  that are brown.  remember my dress is toille.  and it's fortunate that yours are brown because when you poop in your little hole in the ground you won't have to wipe.  see, there's an upside to everything.  :)

RE: RE: POLITICS

hey -s, i know you never got back to me, but i just had to write you again.  i got to thinking about your civil war reenactments.  i mean i might understand reenacting a war that was won, but you lost.  and yet you continue to reenact it?  it's not like you find people in minnesota or california reenacting the civil war.  it's only the secessionist states that like to celebrate the loss by holding farcical battles between the blue and the grey that are so lifelike it's just plain creepy.  and the worst thing about it is the reason you are holding these events is to, what, celebrate slavery?  because that's really what the war was about.  so why spend your time dressing up in military garb only to prove that you lost a war that gave slaves their freedom when what you really wanted to do was keep them in order to work on your plantations.

hey -s.... do you have a plantation?

ALEX

If only everything in the world could be as pretty as your 'diamond eyes' ! Very unique indeed!

Did you know that the eyes are the window to the soul? I think I love your soul!

~AleX

RE: ALEX

oh my god, alex, puh-lease.  "my diamond eyes"?  you "love my soul"? 

you know you guys who live in other cities just crack me up.  you live in seattle, but you'll be in los angeles "for a couple weeks" and want to find a woman here to "treat like a princess."  what is this, "pretty woman"?  oh wait, i'm not a prostitute.  and i'm not looking for a sugardaddy. 

you're going to have to use those lines on someone else.  this girl ain't biting.

TALL AND BOLD LIKE A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE

Dearest Code name,

I'm glad your pinchers are miniatures; when I was a little guy, my neighbor had a BIG pincher, and she chased me down across the street one day, and I was convinced Satan's Hound was hot on my trail, until she jumped up on me and started licking my face. Apparently, she loved kids, and wanted to get a taste of my after-school snack face.

I very much enjoyed reading your profile! But I have a hard time believing you're a professional Free Poker player. I'm going to assume your career is in fashion, and I think that's pretty exciting. I'm a professional musician; I perform, write, teach, record, and ponder music all the live long day. It's what I've always wanted to do, and now that I'm doing it, I can't imagine any other life.

So, I just wanted to drop you a line to say hello, and introduce myself. Drop me a line sometime, if you're up for it. Hope you're having a great week!

T.J.

RE: TALL AND BOLD LIKE A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE

Are you going to get in touch with me or what? C'mon, a cup of coffee and a smoke certainly can't do any harm, aside from what the surgeon general has so dutifully disclosed...

;)

T.J.

RE: RE: TALL AND BOLD LIKE A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE

well here's the thing... i don't think we have a lot in common. 

for fun you enjoy the beach, hiking and driving up or down the coast for the afternoon.  i don't like the beach (too much sand), hate to hike (too much exercise), and despise driving (i don't drive). 

your favorite hot spots are all in los angeles.  when i think of hot spots i think of various spots around the world, or the country, or even just in california...  but to confine myself to local pubs and live music venues just feels so, well, small.

you favorite things are simply music: Jesse Sykes and the Sweet Hereafter, Bonnie "Prince" Billy, Elliot Smith,  among others.  there's nothing else in the world that you love?  that interests you?  that you're passionate about?

and while i love that you've read a lot, you have a cat, and i'm allergic to cats...

when you write about yourself you write about "the stages of beard removal" and go into great detail what it is like to grow, have, and slowly remove a beard - something that explains a lot about you.  and frankly, i'm not a fan of facial hair. 

then there's the standard stuff:  "I love to live and laugh, and I'm looking for someone adventurous and kind to laugh along with me... work keeps me pleasantly busy and excited at all times... I do enjoy discovering new restaurants, bars, and museums, especially with the right companion... And that's why I'm here! Hope to hear from you sometime!"  and that standard match stuff is exactly what i'm not looking for.  in my profile it says i've heard it all: will you be my partner in crime?  shall we dance?  that's what i equate to what you wrote (other than the the facial hair removal stuff which in all honesty, besides my not liking facial hair, kind of creeped me out).

i'm sorry.  i wouldn't have broken it down like this, but you wrote twice, and in order to keep from getting a third, i thought i'd just send this so you'd know why i wasn't writing back. 

but i'm crazy picky.  like insanely so.  i'm sure there are a million girls who love the beach, driving along the coast and listening to live music.  things like that are incredibly simple.  and finding someone to share those things with shouldn't be too hard.  i'm just a fashionista who likes to be pampered in a pathetically luxurious way.  i know you will find someone.

CHECKIN' THIS OUT

You are by far the cutest girl on match! Let's play a game of scrabble!

RE: CHECKIN' THIS OUT

thank you so much for the compliment... it was so nice.  one of the nicest compliments i've gotten so far on match.

but i think it's gonna be relatively difficult for us to play a game of scrabble.  see you live in batavia, illinois.  i know you're looking for a girl within 50 miles of your location, but i'm not within 50 miles of illinois.  i think you're reaching a little beyond your own restrictions.

(in addition you're 40 - the oldest i'm willing to go is 39, so sorry.)

i'm also a little confused as you say you're looking for "someone with similar interests" to you, but then you write, "i'm just checkin' this thing out, will write more later."  and that's it.  end of profile.  so how am i supposed to know if we have similar interests if your profile is empty?

some advice?  fill in your profile and then maybe you'll get a hit.  who knows, she might be within 50 miles and have similar interests?

best always.

I RECEIVED AN E-MAIL THIS MORNING...

APPARENTLY IT WAS FROM MYSELF:

hello honey!! i am for a good mature man.

as for myself, i am pretty ukraninian lady.  are you fond of ukrianian ladies?

we are not just pretty and clever, but very tolerant as well... ukrainian ladies?  esteem family and tend to be with their their beloved ones a great deal of right time...

it's right time to meet each other!
i'll be waiting for you on international dating site.

bye dear!!

PLEASE READ... IT'S DAMIAN... :)

Hello. What is your real name? My name is Damian. I really respect your straightforwardness in your profile. I thought about sending you an "wink", but I decided to send you an e-mail instead. If you're interested, send me an e-mail back on here, or my e-mail address. Maybe we can exchange numbers and talk sometime. 

Hope to hear from you. Until then, be sweet. Damian 

Please note: For your protection, a personal email address has been converted to their onsite email address.

RE: PLEASE READ.... IT'S DAMIAN... :)

hey damian...  i'm not sure i'm ready to give you my real name.  see i have to know we're compatible, that i want to e-mail you, talk on the phone, meet for drinks and ultimately have dinner before i exchange names, and really, i don't want to do any of those things with you.

first, let me point out the absurdity of you giving me the e-mail address.  if i just hit "respond" to your message, that's the e-mail address that my message will go to... you haven't figured that one out?  hmmmm....

now i'm sorry about this, but i really have to point out that you claim  your ethnicity is "belize en."  what the heck is that?  i mean i get that you're from belize.  but people from belize are commonly referred to as "belizean."  are you sure that's your ethnicity - you don't even know how to spell it!

now you're 37, looking for a girl between the ages of 18 - 45, you just finished a 5 year "internship" (i mean i had an internship when i was 19 in college but it lasted 1 semester, your internship started when you were 32?  and lasted 5 years?  huh?) and now you have a full time job in some track & field capacity which i couldn't quite figure out because you said, "i have a full time job and i'm a part time student and have track & field on a professional level."  i know my sentence was a run-on sentence, but i don't think your sentence makes sense.

you also say you like, "deep conversation so i can get to know the intellectual side & the frisky side of woman."  i didn't really know that deep conversation allowed one to learn about the friskiness of another.  see i thought friskiness was sort of explored during your first kiss.  but i could be dead wrong.  maybe that's why i'm single.  perhaps i should start getting into deep conversations about friskiness.  maybe that's the key to a happy relationship.

now damian, this is pretty offensive:  "women that have had a recent break up will cause for a boring date & make you less attractive to me. please be open with the time being spent on the date. my time is limited, so i want my time spent with you to be worth it." that right there makes you a little bit fugly to me.  i think  everyone's time is probably equally important and / or limited.  so to make yours stand out as more important is kind of egotistical.

and lastly, did you not look at my pictures before writing to me?  i'm pretty small.  i would call myself petite, and maybe even a little on the thin side.  so i'm confused that you wrote me considering you said, "i'm looking for a girl a little on the thick side."  that really isn't me.

oh, there are so many other things i could address: your favorite book is "the secret," your girl has to workout "hardcore"....  i mean there are so many ways in which we just aren't compatible.  but i think you get the picture.

however damian, i know there's a girl out there for you.  i just know it in my heart.  keep on "winking" (just because i don't like them doesn't mean other women don't) and you'll "wink" your way into some thick heart.

kisses.

POLITICS

I did a search on "politics" and you came up. But that's a mix I wouldn't expect...fashion with politics.

You know, this winking thing, you say you don't respond to winks. A buddy of mine at dodgeball tonight was telling me he met his wife on this site. I didn't know that. He said it started with a wink.

And he said keep it short. So there you go.

-s

RE: POLITICS

hi -s.  that's interesting about your friend at dodgeball.  especially that it started with a wink.  i've never much liked winks.  i find them to be the online equivalent to being picked up at a bar whereas receiving a message is like being taken to a nice restaurant.  it's also interesting that you play dodgeball.  i didn't know there was an underground dodgeball community in los angeles.

you took your friend's advice and definitely kept it short, eh?  so i went to your profile.  i'm kinda thinking i'm not your gal.  if i may quote you here regarding who you're looking for, "she's cool sleeping on the ground without a toilet."  on the ground?  does that mean no rv?  no tent?  no sleeping bag?  just grass and twigs to make a nest?  and without a toilet?  i'm not like snookie... she may drink in bushes, hide in bushes and poop in bushes, but i don't.  i'd rather fight serious constipation, which might cause hospitalization, than poop without a toilet.  i actually have a heated toilet seat and bidet in my home.  i try to make using the bathroom as pleasurable as possible.

there's also the civil war reenactment stuff that's kind of weird.  by the way, which side are you on?  you didn't mention - north or south...  and you take historical vacations?  you love visiting crashed planes, long-abandoned concentration camps, military cemeteries?  those historical settings seem rather morbid.

and if i may quote you again, "i'm not into wine tasting or shopping. i'm not into food. if i could swallow a pill every day instead of eating, i'd be ecstatic. trying a new restaurant is not my idea of adventure."  see i like wine, shopping, and i really like food.  a lot.  it would kind of suck if i made a really nice dinner and you just took some vitamins and ate a power bar instead of sitting down with me to eat.

and you're obsessed with ayn rand.  see the problem with objectivism is it can never be achieved.  if the moral purpose of everyone's life is their own happiness, everyone will create systems of achieving happiness that collide and essentially create anarchy.

-s, you seem like one of those people on the fringe of society who might potentially be dangerous and could be under surveillance of the fbi.  i'm not really interested in getting my name on a terrorist watchlist.  were i you, i'd spend more time with the dodgeball...

LOVE YOUR PROFILE, SORRY FOR NO PICS....

Have to start off by saying I am sorry for not having pics on here yet. I just joined and wanted to see how "real" and "safe" this is I guess. I am in a huge industry, have a huge role in it, and kind of cautious about putting pics on here yet. That being said, I have facebook profile and pictures (as I am in ------- and need to be on that all the time). My name there is ---------- and I think my link is http://www.facebook.com----------

So, truly love your profile and what you wrote! I'm from NYC, moved here 4 years ago, loving life here, have great friends and family here. Very close to my family (sister and brother in law and niece are here and my best friends)...which I think sadly has led me to this website....

I think I turned into a creature of habbit, and have been hanging out with them, and a ton of great friends in this industry, but they are all just friends and mostly in relationships. I dont go out meeting or looking to meet new people. Which Is good and bad :) I'm not lonely at all, but also not meeting anyone "new" and single.

I am quirky, fun, silly, intelligent, sarcastic...really enjoy my life and having fun now...would love to meet someone new and share it with. Oh, I actually grew up in the Fashion and Fragrance industry...went to F.I.T in NYC for about 2 weeks before leaving lol, and was designing clothes in the city for a few years. While I like "guy" stuff, I am a full blown shopper and go non-stop. Its sad really.

Hope this find you well..and again sorry for not having pictures yet..hope you still read this

RE: LOVE YOUR PROFILE, SORRY FOR NO PICS

no worries about the pics. i get it. you can send me some at ---------

so you may not have pics, i have quirks. here's what you're up against:

1. i've been known to smoke when i drink.
2. i hate to drive. i live in west hollywood, you, santa monica. i don't like to commute.
3. i'm not one of those "healthy" types. i don't like hiking and biking and camping and all that. i put that i like to check into a hotel for a weekend and indulge in pay-per-view and room service for a reason. because i'd rather do that than run a marathon (though when i'm on vacation near a beach you can't get me out of the water). i'm sorta lazy. not really that. i'd just rather take a nap or a bath and have lunch and i don't know than wake up at dawn to run on the beach.
4. i eat a lot of taco bell. but other than that i'm not a vegetarian, i just don't cook meat. i don't like buying it at the grocery store because i know that they're not happy cows, ie, they didn't grow up on farms where they could walk freely and have access to medical care. but if it's at a restaurant i'll eat it (i know, total hypocrite).
5. i write a blog: www.bestofmatchdotcom.com
6. technically i'm not employed, but i have a book deal and am writing a book so while i spend a lot of time writing technically i have nothing to do.
7. i have two miniature pinchures. must love dogs.
8. i'm minorly obsessed with travel and am constantly planning some trip even if it never happens.
9. hmmmmm.... can't think of a nine. can you tell i'm really trying to paint myself in a bad light so maybe you might be pleasantly surprised if we meet?

xx.

RE: RE: LOVE YOUR PROFILE, SORRY FOR NO PICS....

this is a new one for the blog.... we met!  who knew i would ever actually meet someone on this site.  alas, it wasn't meant to be.

RE: RE: RE: LOVE YOUR PROFILE, SORRY FOR NO PICS...

I am sorry and I'm not being a "dick" or anything, I think you're cool as all hell, I have not and am not leading you on or trying to be a shit.  I just realized after this week I can't get involved in anything.  I don't have time during the week, and on the weekends I need to be selfish.  My social and personal life are just minimal.  I'm sorry.  I'm just being honest.  I actually think you are real amazing... but there is a reason I'm single and after this week I see it and sadly it's not going to change.

I love my golf.  Love going out shopping.  And I do love work and am addicted to it.  Work life is an especially bad recipe for my personal life... but it's not going to change.  I'm sorry this didn't work out but I'm not a bad person.  Really, I'm not.

RE: RE: RE: RE: LOVE YOUR PROFILE, SORRY FOR NO PICS...

selfish.  i think that's the best way to describe you.  having this discussion via text is one of the more pathetic things i've come across in my life.  and were i not a nicer person i would definitely post this on my blog.  actually, i think i will.  no pictures, no names, just words.  of course, remember, you had to find the one girl with THAT blog.

you were a total jackoff three days in a row.  you said you wanted to hang out.  you knew you were going to be in the office late and that wasn't going to happen but you kept saying maybe, maybe, maybe, so i kept waiting, waiting, waiting.  i told my assistant not to come around because you'd be here.  when i asked you yesterday if you worked on weekends it was once again "maybe."  you didn't mention that you golf until 2pm.  nor did you mention that you have to be "selfish" on weekends.  this could have been nipped in the bud day one of your crazy work week when you knew you didn't have time in your life for a relationship, but no, you had to draw it out because you don't deal well with confrontation.  and now you're pathetically dealing with it via text.  were you a stand up man you would've called and said "i'm sorry, i don't have time in my life for a relationship."  that's what real people do.  not people who run around texting all day saying "i'll get in touch with you later" at 9pm and then when you text them at midnight they reply half an hour later that they're going to bed.

you said it yourself, you're single for a reason and it's not going to change.  work wins.  then you win.  but why do you want to win?  this is life, the goal of life is not to win.  it's all about people - they're the important things.  and you have to MAKE time for important things.  and important things are not golf.  or shopping.  or having 800 friends on facebook.  people are the only real important things you can ever hope to hold close.  not acquaintances.  but the real friends who are there for you when you hit rock bottom.  the girlfriend or boyfriend who kisses you in the morning before you've brushed your teeth.  because those are the people with whom you really connect, and connection is the meaning of life.  let me repeat, connection is the meaning of life.  not more work, more money, more power, more me time.  it's connection.  and without connection life has no real meaning.  so i'm sad for you that you'll never have that.  because i know that someday i will.

I LOVE TOKYO TOO

I wanted to say hello - because you seem very interesting.
I would be happy to hear from you, although I am older than what you are looking for. I can be a good friend because you like Tokyo.
Have a nice week - Kit

RE: I LOVE TOKYO TOO

hi kit.  thank you for saying hello, and it is very complimentary of you to think i am interesting.  since i'm me i don't always find myself that interesting.  for instance, when i'm sitting on the couch watching tv with my dogs and eating taco bell, i don't think i'm very interesting.  but you might find it very interesting to watch me because the shells of my tacos always break and the innards fall everywhere and i end up with taco all over me (which my dogs tend to eat, lovely huh?).

so yes, you are older than me, and yes, that's not what i'm looking for.  but you know if the right person came along i might be willing to change my rules by a year, maybe two.  however for you?  i just can't do that.  see, just because i like tokyo doesn't mean someone can be a good boyfriend to me.  ie, you.  what, would you follow me around the house with giant pictures of mt fuji just so i felt like i was actually in japan?  or would you constantly bow and say "hi" so that i felt i were in a japanese hotel?  or would you actually endeavor to learn the language and take up sumo wrestling so i felt like you were actually japanese?  my gosh, i don't know what you could possibly do to make me happy because i like tokyo?!

but i'm further scared away because you wrote in your profile "i have an ever-green visa for the u.s. and a work permit for the u.k. will see what happens."  i fear you are looking for a shot gun romance and a russian roulette wedding.  and i'm so far from wanting anything like that.  i'm scared enough to date, let alone prepare for a green card wedding.

kit, i think you need to 1. take the green card and the visa thing out of your profile, and 2. not qualify that you'd be a good boyfriend with a noun.  cleaning that stuff up should go a long way toward finding you a mate.  and you obviously need one.  fast.

CUT-TO-THE-CHASE

I like your profile. Thereby, if you like mine than please let me know.
I'm on this site for a trial period ending tomorrow and than I would be
a basic member unless I change my mind to further subscribe. Hence, if
you'd like than you can communicate with me via my cell @ 9..-5..-2....

Thanking you in advance.

Sincerely,

Hemant.

RE: CUT-TO-THE-CHASE

hemant.  i love your profile.  i can't believe you found me on the day before your trial period ends.  i'm so excited.  it is refreshing to find someone who is not looking for "hanky panky," a one nighter, or just out for a quickie.  i find that so many people who contact me just want a little sumthin' sumthin' on the side but have no real interest in a relationship.  and i want a relationship.  something real.  something magical.  something forever.

being someone who is reading it of which you write, i comprehend it of which you are trying to imply as i too am a very "cut-to-the-chase" kind of person.  how perfect is it that we're both "cut to the chasers" given you're looking for one and i am one!  i am also very loving, caring, attentive, loyal, trustworthy, and someone who you can share your thoughts with and vice-versa of course.  i will take it to the next level with you and am excited to call!

i just have to tell you a little bit about my last boyfriend, andy, because he is very important in my life.  after we'd been dating for two weeks, i just knew that god had a plan for us to be together and when i prayed on it and saw a vision of an angel with a harp and a golden key i knew it meant i needed to move into his apartment and change the locks.  so one night while he was sleeping i took the opportunity to copy his keys, and then when he went to work i moved all of my stuff in and made new keys.  andy acted upset when he came home and his key didn't work, but i knew he understood that the new keys represented a fresh start.  and he pretended to be surprised by all of my furniture and the rearranging i'd done (can you believe he had the couch set up to view the television instead of facing the window in the corner???) but i think it was a pleasant surprise and he appreciated the fact that i'd started to make his home OUR home.  

while things ended when he called the police and had me physically removed from the premises and got a restraining order, it didn't upset me.  the reason i'm telling you all of this is because even though i love everything you wrote and can't wait to call you, i know that andy is the man that i will ultimately be with.  sure you and i may get married and be together long enough to have three or four kids, but ultimately it will end in divorce and andy and i will reunite with passion.  i spend several hours each night standing five hundred feet from his apartment with a telescope so i can watch him.  but i'm sure that won't interfere with our life together.

i hope you're as excited as i am, hemant!  i'm going to call you in ten minutes.  xxxoooxxx.

GREAT GUY! ACT NOW AS SUPPLIES ARE RUNNING OUT

Hi There:

Awesome profile, made me laugh. We seem to have a lot in common, I kick ass on Brickbreaker and Monopoly. Do you remember Connect Four or Stop Thief? I don't think they make them anymore :( Anyway, you seem real cool and would love to chat sometime. I am a fashion designer and own a retail store (true story). I'll tell you which brand later but I've been in the fashion industry for about 10 years now, love it.

Hope to hear back from you.

Best.

RE: GREAT GUY! ACT NOW AS SUPPLIES ARE RUNNING OUT

so you said you'd tell me which brand later because you didn't want to say upfront that you worked with forplay inc?  delicious Sexywear?  Naughty Laundry?  and you didn't think i could figure it out on my own?  you may have been in the fashion industry for about 10 years, but i'm pushing 9.  you don't have much on me. 

i deal with super high-end ready-to-wear and vintage couture clothing.  you manufacture lingerie which sells at a retail pricepoint of $10 - $20 (wholesale $5 or $6?).  it's just so wrong to equate cheap costume lingerie with high end couture. 

oh, and that little note that your divorce doesn't count because you were only married for 11 months is really weird.  you say it's one of those "jams you got into"?  i've never heard marriage described that way before.  luckily you won't be getting into any "jams" with me.

smiles.

MAN MEETS GIRL

Your profile is likely the only one here that says you seek a man and not a boy. Very interesting...

If by a "boy" you mean someone with a sense of child-like wonder, someone still in awe of the world - of things big and small - someone who is ful of curiosty and wonder and who can still see the world with wide eyes rather then eyes that are jaded and colored - then I'm your man.

I know little of fashion - but I do love art and beauty and color and I have a curiosty about the world and a hunger to learn all things.

I think you sound delightful and hope we can talk.

Thank You Girl.

RE: MAN MEETS GIRL

you:  "your profile is likely the only one here that says you seek a man and not a boy. very interesting..."

me:  i'm looking for a boy, not a man...

i think you got it wrong.  

but since as you say, "i'm your man," and as you also say i'm the only one on here who says i seek "a man not a boy," logic would follow that given you're a man and everyone else is looking for a boy, your chances of finding a match are extremely low.  i'm sorry.  maybe you would have more success by going back to the traditional route of dating, ie, going to bars, clubs, and being set up on blind dates.  i truly wish you good luck.

xx.

ps.  i think you need to learn how to spell the word "curiosity."

RE: RE: MAN MEETS GIRL

You: ...are looking for a boy, not a man

Me: Being a boy who sometimes gets a little nervous - mixed up my words in my previous email. I am very much a boy - full of playfullness and wonder - and would love to give you a call sometime if you would allow.

Thank you girl

A boy

RE: RE: RE: MAN MEETS GIRL

that's alright, if you couldn't figure it out on the first try then i'm not interested.

in addition, i'm a bit of a grammar / spelling snob and you spelled curiosity wrong twice.

"curiosty."

i would give you a pass, but even match has spell check. so what, did you ignore the little red underline? or did you write the message on your pda and choose not reread it in order to check for errors?  wait, what am i saying?  even pda's have spell check.

i'm not impressed. sorry.

as you say: "girl"

as i say: "codenamejack"

RE: RE: RE: RE: MAN MEETS GIRL

Greetings Codenamejack,

I must confess that although your decision disappoints me - I respect your candor and directness - both of which are quite rare out here.

You referred to yourself as a grammar and spelling snob. This may be true - but I would say you are also fairly strict and demanding in your intolerance of mistakes. I do not say this as a criticism but merely as a neutral observation. I sense that whomever is with you would need to work quite hard to impress you and would need to be on his toes at all times. Am I correct on that?

For the record - I did type on my PDA - hence the misspelling of curiosity. Also for the record, your email to me contained a grammatical mistake of its own.

Codenamejack: "..or did you write the message on your pda and choose not reread it in order..."

I believe you meant to say "...and choose not TO reread it..."

One more thing - the words "under dog" in the 2nd to last sentence of your profile is missing the hyphen.

I don't know much about Jesus - but didn't he say something like, "Let she who is without typos cast the 1st stone" ;)

RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: MAN MEETS GIRL

i believe you are correct about the "to" but since pda's don't have grammar check i'll be a little less hard on myself. but only a little less.... (your pda had spell check.  pretty pathetic.) were i typing my message in a normal e-mail i would have seen the grammatical error and changed it. i look for those green and red lines and choose which to follow and which to ignore. for example, i don't use caps, so i choose to ignore red lines under things like "i", "i'll", i've", etc. in addition, sometimes for emphasis i'll use a sentence fragment, ie "but only a little less...." in those instances i'll ignore the little green lines.

finally, re the use of "no hyphen" between the words under and dog, if you really wanted to put it to me you could have done much better. obviously you couldn't. the full sentence should actually be written:

i want a guy who'll go out on a limb like one of those over-romanticized, under-dog, bad boys adored in most of your hit hollywood movies, but never quite embraced as such in real life.

but instead i wrote:

i want a guy who'll go out on a limb like one of those over romanticized under dog bad boys adored in most of your hit hollywood movies but never quite embraced as such in real life.

i did this because by getting rid of the punctuation the sentence feels out of breath and has a sense of desire. it feels real rather than "written." i'm actually a writer by trade and do things with purpose.

on the other hand, i can't find purpose in spelling curiosity "curiosty" twice.

WARM FRIENDLY RESPONSIBLE BACHELOR

Happy New Year! AL

RE: WARM FRIENDLY RESPONSIBLE BACHELOR

hey al... happy new year to you too.  i hope it was a good one.  mine was faboo.

i think you have an inflated ego.  you posted a picture of yourself with cameron diaz and then wrote in your profile "the picture of me with my arm around a girl with a playbill, is Cameron Diaz on a photo shoot I did with her for Entertainment Weekly magazine."   what, we're playing the celebrity name game?  on this site?  that's a little weird.  almost as weird as the fact that you workout at bally's total fitness and went to the college of new jersey.  i think i'll take a pass..

WHO WANTS A MAN OF GOD

I challenge you to a game of chess.

The Loser treats the winner to a berry muffin and latte. Large. Four extra shots of expresso.

Just a challenge at chess

RE: WHO WANTS A MAN OF GOD

dear michael.

please.  why did you challenge me to game of chess?  i specifically did NOT mention chess as one of the games i like in my profile because it is NOT one of the games i like.  so i do NOT accept your challenge, nor do i want to buy you a berry muffin or a large latte with four extra shots of "expresso" as you write it (it is properly spelled espresso).

now to your profile.  i really don't think we're anywhere near a fit.

first, i don't understand your calculation that there are two women on this site that are a fit for you... one at 38% because you both shop at costco (i don't shop there) and the other at 99% because you're not a dog lover, you're a dog hater (i have two dogs that i LOVE).  if i were anywhere close to being either of those two women, i would understand your message.  but i'm not.  so why write?

next, and this one is very hard for me to understand, you say that you "are NOT open minded," that you "live by the word of god."  since when did living by the word of god close anyone's mind?  you say that you are BLACK MAN who is muslim and that being muslim means "submitting oneself to the word of god."  wha' tha'?  the koran sets forth standards by  which to live, but does not force one to submit one's life to a close minded view of the world.  but as it seems to have closed yours, i have no interest in even conversing with a dog hater who misinterprets religious texts.  what, would i have to listen to you spout wisdom and accept it as the pure truth without debate?  and you say you're "selfish," you want your "woman all to yourself?" that is sick.

this is what you write under education:  "Seek Ye FIRST the Kingdom of God, and its Righteousness, and ALL things will be added unto You." "The Fear of The Lord is the Beginning of Wisdom". "I God, Am The Best Knower, This Book, there is no doubt in it, is a Guide to those who keep .....

huh?  is that a college i'm supposed to recognize?  did you receive your masters in righteousness?  your mba in fear?  your doctorate in "i god am the best knower?"

and under pets you write:  I'm really into Fasting, Praying, and Studying. How many men have you ever met in your life have asked you to go on a "Fast" with them? I believe in Elevating myself Mentally, Spiritually, and Physically. If we shut up we just might hear God.

is that an iguana or a pot belly pig?  no, i've never met a man who has asked me to fast with him and i hope i never do... i don't think i could go a month without taco bell.

and finally, for fun you collect silver.  would that be bullion or silverware?

in all honesty it's your closed mindedness and hatred for dogs that makes me dislike you.  i can appreciate one's respect for religion, for honoring it and living one's life by it, but i think you've taken it to the point where you want to possess a woman and force her into submission in order to live by your word.  boy did you pick the wrong girl to write to.

forget you ever saw my profile.

NICE GUY SEEKS NICE WOMAN

How are you? I can tell from your profile that you are a very sweet and thoughtful person. I would love a chance to get to know you better. Have you ever been to Hawaii? That is where I live but I am actually in Santa Barbara right now visiting my family for Christmas and may be staying a while. I hope you had a nice Christmas day. Are you doing any traveling for the holidays?

If you want to see where I live you can go to http://.... and then click on Hanalei.

If you want to see some photos of me (from last Christmas in Santa Barbara) you can go to:
http://.....

I would love to hear from you :) I hope you are having a great day!
Dan

RE: NICE GUY SEEKS NICE WOMAN

dan.... it's very nice of you to consider me a sweet and thoughtful person, and to want to have a chance to get to know me better.  and actually yes, i have been to hawaii.  one of the worst trips of my life.  i got a body scrub on my first day in kaui right before going into the sun - nobody mentioned to me this might be a problem as my baby pink just scrubbed skin would be ripe for the pickin' of the uv rays.  cut to:  third degree sunburn on my legs.  hiding in my room the entire trip, unable to walk.  cortisone shots to prevent scarring.  not the warm fuzzy memories most people have.

anyway, i don't really get the whole "you live in hawaii but are visiting santa barbara" contradiction.  a. santa barbara might as well be as far away as hawaii to me.... just because you made it to the same state doesn't mean - woohoo! let's meet!  and b. you're 49 (which on this site means you're 60) and looking for a girl within 500 miles of hawaii (what, are you some sort of sugardaddy willing to relocate your perfect mate for your perfect life together?), who is between the ages of 27 - 42 (27 ????), 5'2" and 5'11" (the only height range that takes me out of the running as i'm 5'1", lol), of any weight, of any ethnicity, speaks any language, is of any level of education, income, and can even be an alcoholic.... but doesn't smoke (the other only category that would cut me out).  that shows me very little level of commitment.  if you're not willing to commit to what you're looking for are you willing to commit to any sort of relationship?

dan, at your age i would expect more.  i would think you'd have some goals in mind for how you'd like to proceed with the last twenty years of your life, not just, "hey girls!  i'm here looking for nothing."  oh, and i just noticed... you're looking for a woman who is "very active."  that's definitely not me.

so, besides my being the wrong height, a smoker, anything but active, and not wanting to make the 8 hour flight to commute in order to date a 60 year old man who has no interest in committing to anything, i think you're not very good looking.  things wouldn't work out in the end.

i hope you had a nice christmas too, and got lots of good presents.  maybe one of them was a message from an active, non-committal woman willing to commute to hawaii.

CRIBBAGE ANYONE

I want someone to spoil and to be spoiled in return! What is Love really? Is it wanting to be loved,...opening your heart even though it hurts and you have to put up with things you find intolerable...but you do it...because those shared moments are the only ones when the world stops spinning and things feel right? My name is Dave, I am 6'4" and live in Black Forest, Colorado....I am seeking a companion. I love to ride my Harley and horses ....I enjoy boating, hiking, fishing, camping, 4x4s, bowling, playing pool, playing cards, home improvement projects, and travel. I'm looking for my partner in crime (nothing illegal) and lover! I enjoy the country style of living and looking for someone to share life with. I love children and have the perfect ranch to raise them on! Yes I am stable and have a good job... Dave

RE: CRIBBAGE ANYONE?

hey there dave....  so i see you make one to five million dollars a year.  wow.  i'd say you're a millionaire.  and yet you're on this site writing to me from "black forest, colorado."  where is black forest?  is it one of those little enclaves like "beverly park" in beverly hills?  where only the richest of the rich live?  nope.  just looked it up.  it's not a city.  it's not even a town.  it's a census designated place.  the residents decided not to incorporate so it's just an "unincorporated community."  population 11,000.  95% white.  center of town is where the volunteer fire company and the community center meet.  dave, why do you live in the middle of east bumfuck?  and are you a white supremacist?  hmmm.  there's something that just doesn't add up.

so you're 43, looking for someone who "keeps it real," can "cook healthy food," will be your "workout partner" and your "lover."  where's the relationship in that?  oh, i see, you're just looking for a companion....

you know, i just have to throw this out there.  you're one of those guys who creeps me out from start to finish.  to start your message with:  "i want someone to spoil and to be spoiled in return!"  eeeewwwww.  yuck dave.  don't ever start a message that way again.  in fact, don't ever write that in a message.  ever.  promise?  never again.

and next time you try to woo a city girl with your fake millions to move to colorado destination unknown, lie and say you live in a big city, don't say your favorite things are harley davidsons, home improvement projects, bowling, and playing pool (that's like giving away your hand in poker), and never say anything about spoiling.

since you gave me your hand,  dave, i'm not stepping foot anywhere near an airport.  what, to be welcomed by you and your harley for the ride of a lifetime off to your mcmansion?  only to find the mcmansion is really a doublewide (complete with stick up lights) on the side of a long winding dirt road?  you know it happened to me once before.  fool me once, shame on you.  fool me twice...

so dave, not gonna happen.  sorry bro'.

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE

I enjoyed reading your profile. You seem like an interesting person. I am not happy, well adjusted , but I love my mother and am just a boy....try speed card on your smart phone.

RE: PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE

hi moby....  i'm so sad that you're not happy :(  is there anything i can do to change that?  maybe i can stand on my head.  or jump up and down while patting my belly and rubbing the top of my head?  what is it that makes life so sad for you?  you're only 37.  you can't have hit that "i'm not married and don't have kids" crisis yet.  men don't have that until they're in their 40's.  i mean, maybe you're having some health problems.  you did say you were 5'6" and stocky.  but i'm guessing that's not what's keeping you down in the dumps.  i know your family is from iran and that could cause some stress what with all the political turmoil.  but somehow i see you in a different light.  not bogged down by politics and drama.  i mean c'mon, your favorite bar is the tiki-ti in hollywood!  and you've always wanted to go to montana!  you know, if you ever make it there, you could always go cow tipping. :)

well moby, i do hope you cheer up, but i don't think this will help.  you and i?  not written in the stars.  i don't know what speed card is (it's not on my phone) and i don't enjoy being active / hiking / riding bikes / camping / playing sports - i'm more of an eating / sleeping / shopping / sleeping / eating / taking a bath kind of girl.  oh, and i definitely wouldn't let you "row-sham-bow" my grandma for shotgun.  that's a little too competitive for my taste.  what's next?  arm wrestling the pregnant lady on the subway for the last seat?  speaking of which, i had a rather unfortunate subway accident the other day.  i fell on my face just as the train was coming down the tracks and i dropped my blackberry and it went sliding off the platform and onto the tracks just as the train whizzed by.... all i could think of was losing my brickbreaker high score.  luckily the subway attendants were able to recover the phone unscathed.  can you imagine?  brickbreaker score intact.

anyway moby.... find yourself a nice girl with a smart phone.  you'll make a perfect couple.

DEAR AUDREY HEPBURN

I haven't seen you since our Roman holiday. When I was in Tokyo about 6 months ago, I thought I saw you. Did you happen to be standing next to that vending machine in Ginza?

RE: DEAR AUDREY HEPBURN

hey ahmed.  you know, i really would be impressed by your wit if it didn't come with the freakish fact that your moniker is "jihadoflove."  i actually kept your message in my inbox for the last five days deciding whether or not to respond.  and every time i saw that "jihadoflove" i just couldn't bring myself to reply.  but today i mustered up the gut to go to your profile... and your headline read "let's adopt a black baby."  ahmed, i don't think i'm ready to adopt, nor am i ready for a jihad - even if it is one of love.  but thank you for thinking of including me in your future plans.  i'm sure that your wild overthrow of love with black baby and barefoot wife in tow will be a huge hit with the republicans.

oh, and by the way, it WAS me by the vending machine in ginza.  i was on my way to onitsuka tiger to get a pair of black manga's.

I LIKE YOUR PROFILE

Hi. How are you?
I enjoyed reading your profile and would be interested in knowing more about you.
I'm originally from Chicago. Where are you from?
When was your last trip to Tokyo?
Please let me know if you'd be interested.
Take care.

Jay

RE: I LIKE YOUR PROFILE

hi jay.  i'm good.  thank you for asking.  i'm glad you enjoyed reading my profile.  i enjoyed reading yours as well.

chicago is a nice town.  i hear they have nice hot dogs.  i've never had one myself.  i'm from middle america but never made it to chicago.  i know, not so interesting.  but i made it to los angeles and that's all that matters.

my last trip to tokyo wasn't long ago.  when was yours?  i bet you go there a lot.  i wish i went that often.

so i have to let you not that i would not be interested.  

see, i'm not a fan of the things you want your mate to have, "ethics and morals, compassion, honesty, emotionally healthy, mentally stable, know how to love, trust, and skips the head games."   these are things i can't really relate to.  ethics and morals?  wasn't that a philosophy class in college?  honesty - well i frequently lie in order to get what i want.  mentally stable?  doesn't everybody suffer from some sort of personality disorder these days?  i know i do.  know how to love - i know how to be loved, but giving love isn't really my thing.  i prefer to take.  trust?  well i was never good at that game where you're supposed to fall backwards and believe that everyone is going to catch you.  and regarding head games, i wouldn't know how to win a fight without messing with your head.  and i like to win.

then there are the comedy clubs.  all i can think of is michael richards racist rant.  it has scared me away from comedy clubs for life.  and i hate the staples center.  it's HUGE, and i'm small. and you like the beach.  i don't.  i always get sand everywhere and it's totally annoying.

really, it's not that we're so different, i just think we want different things in a mate.  i want someone who will submit to my every want and need, someone who is inactive, hates the outdoors, and has a lot of money so he can take care of me in a luxurious lifestyle.  and i don't really think that's you.

so i'm sorry that i wouldn't be interested, but with your polite demeanor and completely normal desires, i think you will easily find the woman of your dreams.  here's to those "ethics and morals, compassion, honesty, emotionally healthy, mentally stable, know how to love, trust, and skips the head games."  good luck!

THOSE ADORABLE EYES

Your profile definitely caught my attention . . . with those adorable eyes. : ) I would enjoy getting to know you better. I see that you like traveling. Same here, I've been to 26 countries and counting. Your next favorite destination? T.

RE: THOSE ADORABLE EYES

hi t.  i do have adorable eyes, don't i?  thank you for noticing.

re traveling, i'm not quite sure that's something special that we have in common or can bond over as i think about 99.9% of the people on this site enjoy traveling.  it's one of those cliches like "i love walking on the beach" or "i want a partner in crime."  purely a conversation starter and a pathetic one at that.

you, "where do you want to go next?"

me, oh, "i want to go to hoi-an."

you, "that's funny, me too.  we should go together."

couldn't you ask if i like slugs?  or if i know how to make a citizen's arrest?  or what the mechanism is that makes febreze work so well?  anything clever that would grab my attention...  but instead i get "i see that you like traveling."  well duh.

now i'm really impressed that you're willing to drive 120 miles for a date which i deduced  from your profile as it says that you're looking for someone within 120 miles of monarch beach, california.  well you may be willing, but i'm not willing to reciprocate, and sharing is the key to a successful relationship.  ours would be doomed from the start.

this is especially true since your favorite "hot spot" is "south orange county."  well i'm just not a fan of irvine (where the "chapter historian" - a governmental post - shall keep a running history of current fads and funny stories), mission viejo (where the chamber of commerce meetings are held at a mexican restaurant called tortilla flats), or san clemente (not only home of the san clemente sea monster but california's capital of ghost sightings).

oh, and for fun "anything active" as well as "fitness as a lifestyle is a plus"  just doesn't fit with my "never exercise" and "nap as often as possible" way of life.

you're also 41 (too old), divorced (too many issues), looking for a girl who's at least 5'2" (i'm 5'1"), and want a non-smoker (i smoke).  how did you miss all of these things in my profile?  it states very clearly:  i'm looking for a guy who's 34 - 39, never married, and that i'm a 5'1" smoker.

finally, i'm not going to speak for every woman, but you said "i want MY WOMAN to be genuine etc etc."  who are you to lay claim to a woman?  what woman is going to be YOUR WOMAN?  are you seriously saying you will possess YOUR WOMAN?  t., that is very offensive.

so here's what i suggest: find a passive, co-dependent woman who believes in ghosts, sea-monsters, and exercises to the point of insanity.  that's where true love lies.  you can thank me later for my advice.

DINNER AT A CELEBRATED RESTAURANT

May I have the honor
of inviting you for a dinner or lunch in San Francisco (I work in
downtown) or a dinner in Berkeley (my neighborhood has all the
celebrated restaurants)? I really enjoyed reading your relaxes but
refreshing profile -- you seem to be lovely person inside and out.

I probably meet all of your criteria for your partner -- I am also a
loyal friend, affectionate, humorous, and very active. I would love to
travel with you the Adriatic nations you mentioned and to many otehr
places from Koh Samui to Big Island of Hawaii.

I look forward to hearing back from you. By the way, you have sweetst
face on any side of the Bay.

Krittibas

RE: DINNER AT A CELEBRATED RESTAURANT

krittibas... dinner at a celebrated restaurant in berkeley sounds fantastic!  i love places that people celebrate or that others find celebrating or that celebrate regularly.  celebration is the essence of celebration.  the problem is i live in los angeles.  but it's just a minor problem.  you sound very successful and i'm sure you could find a private jet to fly me up and back just for dinner.

i think you do meet all of the criteria for my partner.  except for the "within 5 mile radius of west hollywood" one, and the "between the ages of 34 - 39" one (as you're 62).  and i'm glad you enjoyed my relaxes, because i relaxes a lot.  i relaxes all day if i can... and if i can't, at least i make time to relaxes for at least half the day every day.

regarding me being a lovely person inside and out, well that's a tough one.  i hate most people, pull the wings off of flies, and try to purse my lips in a frown like manner so people don't approach me or try to talk to me as i don't like strangers, nor do i like to help strangers even if they're elderly or pregnant.

oh, the other thing, i have zero interest in the adriatic nations.  i mean c'mon, "macedonia," as if that's really its name.  it's the "former yugoslav republic of macedonia."  and it's not a member of nato - even albania is a member!  but then as if albania is so great... it's europe's largest supplier of heroin.  and talk about croatia, it's not just a trade route for human trafficking, it's an actual destination, ie instead of trafficking the girls to the u.s. they keep them for themselves.  so yeah.  that's where i want to hang with you.  sounds fun.  maybe you can get me some heroin and drug me so i can be smuggled across the border into "the former yugoslav republic of macedonia," through serbia so i can end up in croatia working in the sex trade.  you win!   best date contest is yours!

and i'll just pretend you didn't mention koh samui (thailand? what, are you obsessed with the sex trade?).

okay krittibas, thank you for the compliment on my face.  it was sweet.  but don't send the jet.  i won't be needing it.

perhaps you should go to thailand or croatia on your own.  i am CERTAIN you will find a girl.