RE: DAMIEN TO JACK

Dear Damien.

While 2010 has been good for me, I find it fascinating that you live in the year 2810. Tell me all about the future? What’s it like 800 years from now? Do humans still exist or did we all die off because of global warming and you’re the sole survivor…. And it’s, well, good that your business feels like a business as, well, I don’t know what else it would feel like. Perhaps a romp through Six Flags?

So I looked at your match profile. I found it strange that you had one picture of yourself and the rest were pictures of other people. Friends perhaps? Showing off your “LA Native” acquaintances? Truly bizarre. And since you wrote nothing about yourself in your profile, I did what you suggested and went to your facebook page. Oh no no no.

First of all, you have 1700 friends. People who are “friend collectors” are desperate in my book. They are show offs. They need attention. And quite frankly they don’t measure up in the friend department as everyone is an acquaintance and no one is a friend.

Second, we have two friends in common, both of whom I HAD to add and both of whom I can’t stand. I’d like to unfriend them but they’re the type of people who would notice. Perhaps you “collected” them, but they are yours nonetheless and I can only judge you by what we have in common and if it’s those two people, yuck.

Third, your profile is public. Who has a public profile? And why would you want the world to know your business? That’s creepy.

Fourth, you have written 42 notes. While 13 of them are simply recipes for cocktails (including the Japanese Slipper, the Bronx, and the Bacon Cocktail), one of the notes particularly disturbs me. It is entitled “How to Reach Me, a Manual” and reads:

The best ways to reach me, in order of reliability and expedience:

1) Cell
2) Email
3) Text Message
4) Instant Message
5) Social Networking Message

I think most people can figure that sort of thing out. Perhaps you’re giving your 1700 friends too little credit?

Fifth, you have a link to “Somebody’s Getting Married – The Muppets Take Manhattan.” Need I say more?

So all in, I don’t think I’d like to get in touch with you. I don’t think there’s a meeting in our future.

Best Regards.